


Life in the Fast Lane

by The_Carnivorous_Muffin



Series: Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus [45]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe, F/M, Female Harry Potter, Humor, Master of Death Harry Potter, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 08:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15769959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Carnivorous_Muffin/pseuds/The_Carnivorous_Muffin
Summary: A hypothetical fifteen-year-old Lily decides it's high time she learns how to drive a car so she can start attracting people like Cedric Diggory, and, as usual, she forces Wizard Lenin along for the joy ride.





	Life in the Fast Lane

**Author's Note:**

> Obligatory note that this is NOT CANON

August 1995, Tuesday 2:00pm, A Day That Will Never Happen but Isn’t Implausible

 

* * *

 

Lily and Wizard Lenin, or perhaps better known to the magical British media as the girl-who-lived and her arch nemesis the dark lord Voldemort, sat with equally blank stupid expressions on their faces inside of Vernon Dursley’s car as it slowly but surely sunk into the Thames where it would likely never be recovered.

 

As usual, it was Lily, currently sitting behind the steering wheel and the slowly deflating air bag (the one which had conveniently broken her ribs and crushed her nose), who felt the need to sum up the situation, “Lenin, I no longer feel either fast or furious.”

 

Wizard Lenin, as usual, wasn’t even looking at her, but was rather gritting his teeth and staring straight ahead and probably wondering just how he’d been suckered into this in the first place. Which, Lily, had she been in a more talkative mood and not slowly sinking into a river, would probably have reminded him that he could only tolerate so much Death Eater time in a day, and that Lily showing up out of nowhere had been a welcome relief.

 

That, and since Bellatrix LeStrange seemed on a personal mission to seduce the pants off of Wizard Lenin, he’d started being eager to be as far from her as humanly possible.

 

So even if he was slowly sinking to his watery grave, even now, he was no doubt weighing the pros and cons of the situation and deciding if he really was regretting bailing on horrifically scarring bondage sex with crackhead number one.

 

Lily was willing to bet the answer was yes.

 

Finally, he sighed, rubbed a hand through his soaked hair, and asked, “Just answer me this, Lily, how the hell did you manage to drive it off the bridge. How is that even possible?”

 

Well, he should have known how it was possible, he’d been there, almost from the very beginning.

 

It’d started when newly fifteen-year-old Lily confronted the horrifying fact that she was probably going through puberty, because she’d suddenly found that she understood the appeal of Baywatch, or more importantly, David Hasselhoff’s abs. She’d also, unfortunately, found that she understood Wizard Lenin’s sexy bond villain sex appeal, which she’d always distantly acknowledged but had never really contemplated.

 

And then it’d just gotten worse when she realized that, for whatever reason, her brain decided that Cedric Diggory was one hot piece of ass. Now, he was polite, charismatic to a point, and rather symmetrical, but you’d think the whole saving his ass from certain doom and him being next to useless during the confrontation with Wizard Lenin’s alter ego would have dimmed her respect enough to flush out that hormonal response. Apparently, Lily’s brain didn’t care that Cedric Diggory would probably be dead without her and wasn’t even close to being in her league, it still wanted to see him without pants.

 

Unfortunately, given that Cedric was still dating Cho Chang, Lily doubted Cedric would agree… Unless he was into that thing, which, maybe, Lily was very bad at being able to tell.

 

Still, the whole point was that while Wizard Lenin was off staking his claim and protecting his territory from the other halves of his prodigal soul and not really paying attention to her, Lily was left with the uncomfortable scenario of trying to figure out what to do about all of this.

 

At first she hadn’t really planned to do anything, and that’d been fine, but eventually Lily realized that it tended to make her more distracted than usual… And that she tended to compensate by doing things like staring at Frank when he wasn’t looking and having really weird sex dreams involving people like Cedric, Wizard Lenin, or most horrifying yet Rabbit.

 

It was really the Rabbit dreams that convinced Lily that she needed to get on top of this.

 

And so, Lily had begun to scrounge around for ideas on how to pick up a willing partner... After much research and too many hours reading romance novels and watching television she discovered a few things.

 

One, romance novels and television had very differing opinions, and according to the romance novels men liked beautiful, fiery, but underappreciated women longing for sexual freedom. Given that Lily had been underappreciated most of her life and was extraordinarily independent, and had yet to pick up any real interest from the opposite gender, Lily had a feeling that this wasn’t entirely accurate.

 

She also learned that there were only about seven metaphors and words one could use to say penis and that two thirds of them were completely and utterly ridiculous.

 

Two, large breasts were a large asset… An asset that Lily unfortunately lacked and didn’t necessarily want as it led to issues with things like running and jumping and fitting in clothing.

 

Three, you could either be hopelessly adorable or seductively sensual, but Lily wasn’t sure she fit into either of those categories.

 

Four, money didn’t hurt, which was good, because Lily had plenty of cash to burn.

 

Finally, though, she came upon it, the one thing she was willing to do to attract sexual attention but wouldn’t require either a shift in her appearance or personality, Lily needed a ridiculously overpriced, overpowered, red, car.

 

Wizard Lenin hadn’t been nearly as impressed, standing outside the Malfoy Manor amidst the ever-present albino peacocks, just staring down at her with raised eyebrows as he repeated, “You want to learn how to drive a car to pick up chicks?”

 

Needless to say, also present was Draco Malfoy, watching the exchange with wide terrified eyes (as he always did), eyes going from Wizard Lenin to Lily and then back again as if he still couldn’t make sense of them. Soon enough either Snape or Lucius would show up and usher him quickly back inside before Wizard Lenin could somehow take offense at his mere presence.

 

Although, considering Lily took offense at Draco Malfoy’s mere presence

 

“Well… Bros,” Lily amended, “Bros love a woman with a sweet ass ride.”

 

“…No, Lily, no they don’t.” Wizard Lenin sighed, rubbed at the bridge of his nose, “And Lily, what exactly does this have to do with me?”

 

Lily paused, pursed her lips, not entirely sure how to explain this, but finally admitting, “I don’t know how to drive.”

 

He just stared at her with his typical, entirely unhelpful, nonplussed expression, “Lily, you can teleport, there is no reason on the earth that you should ever have to learn how to drive.”

 

“There’s a perfectly legitimate reason,” Lily said, “To pick up scores of hot men.”

 

“That is the least legitimate reason I’ve ever heard,” Wizard Lenin said before adding, “Besides, I don’t know how to drive either.”

 

Well, that was a problem, one Lily hadn’t considered either, as it’d just seemed like the type of skill that Wizard Lenin would have. Or, maybe it was because, since Lily apparently found Wizard Lenin attractive, by her own attractiveness criteria, he must be able to drive ridiculous cars.

 

“Has it ever occurred to you that there are other ways to attract… sexual attention?” Wizard Lenin asked with a sigh, only for Lily to blink at him, blink at him again.

 

Lily couldn’t help but blurt out, “You’re offering to give me seduction tips?”

 

“No, I am not offering to give you seduction tips! I should not even be involved in anything concerning you and sex!” Wizard Lenin spat before justifying himself, “I just know that if I don’t say anything you’ll continue on your merry way and end up somehow dragging me into this mess anyway!”

 

“That’s fair,” Lily agreed, as this usually was what tended to happen.

 

Wizard Lenin sighed, almost unwillingly, and with a small shudder, his eyes landed on Draco Malfoy, and he said, “You know, Lily, I think deep down, somewhere very deep down, the Malfoy boy finds you terrifying yet somehow attractive. If you get him very drunk…”

 

“I can do better than mini-pimp,” Lily said incredulously.

 

“Really, you had someone in mind?” Wizard Lenin asked.

 

Well, she wasn’t about to go saying Wizard Lenin’s name, or Rabbit’s, so with wide-eyed alarm she confessed, “Cedric Diggory.”

 

For a moment he just stared at her, completely dumbfounded, and finally he said almost patronizingly, “Oh, Lily…”

 

“What? He’s attractive!” Lily said, but this appeared to do nothing to convince Wizard Lenin otherwise.

 

“Boring, Lily, the word you’re looking for is boring.”

 

“No, he’s…”

 

“He’s boring, Lily,” Wizard Lenin interrupted with that self-satisfied, perfectly confident, smile, “And even if you do manage to seduce him he won’t be able to hold your interest for two seconds.”

 

Lily wasn’t sure she needed him to hold her interests, she just needed him to help deal with the raging hormone problem. Still, this was going nowhere fast, Lily sighed, and finally laid down the law, “Look, I’ve taken the Dursley’s car and I’m going to take it out for a spin, and either you can come with me and help me figure it out or I can go alone and probably reduce some small town to rubble.”

 

That didn’t seem to move him so Lily continued, “And you can stay and make sweet love to the high priestess of Jones town, Bellatrix Bootylicious  LeStrange née Black.”

 

And that decided that.

 

“Alright, Lenin, you ready to rock and or roll?” Lily asked with a grin, turning the car on and listening to the hum of the engine.

 

“Don’t make me regret this already,” Wizard Lenin just said stiffly.

 

And that was about when Lily realized she had no idea how to put it in drive, she stared at the stick shift in alarm, slowly but carefully pushing it into the right position. She then sat there for a few moments, feeling Wizard Lenin’s judgement pouring down on her.

 

Well… Still so far so good.

 

Lily then felt beneath her, huh, there were two pedals. She stepped on one, which did absolutely nothing, no rather it jerked them to a stop… Well, that was the break then, Lily with a grin stepped on the other.

 

And immediately regretted her decision when they accelerated themselves into a tree.

 

Except, as usual, Lily’s overpowered fight or flight instincts kicked in and they decided that it was a damn good idea for her, Wizard Lenin, and the car to teleport to somewhere that wasn’t a tree… Apparently Lily’s subconscious decided that downtown London on a one way street going the wrong way was the best place to put them.

 

“I want out,” Wizard Lenin said calmly, or rather, with the appearance of calm, as he was gripping his seat with white knuckles.

 

“No, hang on, I think I’m getting this, I just have to… turn around somehow,” Lily said as she swerved in and out of oncoming traffic, still going at breakneck speeds.

 

Of course, Wizard Lenin’s sudden hysterical laughter was not helping matters.

 

“Shut up, Lenin!” Lily spat as she finally managed to get into the right lane, “I am a goddamn excellent driver!”

 

He just kept laughing.

 

“Or, I will be… soonish… And you’re no help at all, do you know that?!”

 

“And why would I be any help when I have no idea how to drive?” Wizard Lenin asked, “I knew I shouldn’t have come.”

 

“Oh, what, so you could hang out with Snape all day? Please, I do that in Hogwarts all the time and I’d kill to not have to go to Potions… Probably literally.” She had, after all, killed Quirrell and escaped from the class… And with that in mind she really couldn’t regret that Christmas night.

 

“And I will kill you if you don’t keep your eyes on the road!”

 

Lily jerked her head back, narrowly avoided a street pole, and continued on her way, weaving in and out of lanes.

 

“You need to pull over,” Wizard Lenin said with a sigh.

 

“Well, Lenin, that’s great except there’s nowhere to pull over,” Lily responded, her own knuckles tightening on the wheel as she stared forward at the complete lack of parking in the city.

 

“Then make somewhere for it to pull over,” Wizard Lenin snapped, “I’ve died once already and I’m not willing to do it again for something as undignified as a car accident!”

 

“Hey, Lenin, I’ll have you know that my parents’ died in a car wreck… Or I thought they did for five years, and it was a perfectly dignified way to go.” Lily said, “I never had any problem with the manner of their death, and frankly, I’ve always found the green death lasers you shot at them to be twelve times more undignified.”

 

“Only you would ever think that,” Wizard Lenin seethed.

 

“Only you would ever think that shooting green death lasers at nineteen-year-olds and their baby somehow makes you a badass,” Lily replied back with just as much venom, “And then you had the nerve to go and get yourself blown up by it! How is that less dignified then dying in a car wreck?!”

 

“I had the nerve?! I had the nerve?! You blew me up!”

 

“Oh, you cannot pin this one on me…” Lily started, shaking her head even as she found herself trapped in a roundabout, no exit in sight.

 

“I can pin everything on you! Since everything is somehow your fault anyway…”

 

“That is both unfair and untrue,” Lily said, “There are plenty of things that aren’t my fault… Like Snape.”

 

“Ha!” was Wizard Lenin’s derisive and completely unwarranted response as Lily finally lost patience and just went for it, casting a protective shield around the car as she mowed through traffic and once again onto the street, screeching her way through the city.

 

“And you think this will get you men?” Wizard Lenin asked, “Wow, Lily, I can see them lining up down the block…”

 

“Shut up, Lenin!” Lily spat, “No one asked for your opinion!”

 

“I hate to break it to you,” Wizard Lenin said, as if he felt anything but, “But driving a car will not change anyone’s opinion of you in the slightest. In fact, it may just confirm it!”

 

And even speeding down the road, now turning to look at him fully, seething, she couldn’t help but wonder if he was right, if all these shallow additions to the personality of Lily were ultimately meaningless, and if there wasn’t some other more integral reason why girls like Cho Chang and even Hermione Granger seemed infinitely more popular.

 

Of course, it was in the middle of this staring match that Lily drove them off a bridge.

 

So there they were, sitting there, and finally Lily sighed and said, “So, I guess I should take you back now, right?”

 

And for a moment, once again, he said nothing but then, slowly, and with a small, uncertain, but strangely fond smile he said, “Yes, perhaps that would be best.”

 

And perhaps it didn’t matter that Lily never would quite get the hang of driving, even as Wizard Lenin reassured her that, if she really was desperate, then a drunk Draco Malfoy probably would be interested.

**Author's Note:**

> Someone asked for a fic of Lily trying to drive, that turned into this.
> 
> Thanks for reading, comments, kudos, and bookmarks are greatly appreciated.


End file.
